A Few Words To Each of You as Our PEZ Family Moves On

By DOUGLAS JOHN IMBROGNO | Sept. 2, 2019

DEAR PEZ FAMILY: Hello. You all are probably wondering why I asked you to assemble on the dining room table. First, I wish to thank you ALL for your long service to the family. The kids absolutely LOVED you guys growing up. But as you are well aware, they have grown up. I don’t need to remind you they have hardly seen you in a couple decades. I know you can’t have been happy up in that dark kitchen shelf, in a candy tin with only black molasses, brown sugar and baking soda as your companions. (We ALL know how shy they are.)

SO, HERE’S THE DEAL. Tomorrow, you guys are going to take a car ride. It’ll be fun! At the end of that ride, I am going to introduce you to your NEW FAMILY! Yes, a really neat one. Your new owner’s name is Rudy Panucci and he is a great guy. Plus, he LOVES toys. He collects folks like you and even writes about it ALL the time! You guys are gonna be BLOWN AWAY by all the toys you’re gonna meet. You’re going to like your new home.

Really. You will.

I KNOW THIS MIGHT SEEM SAD. But this is a good thing. Molasses, brown sugar and baking soda don’t say much, but I am sure they’ll miss you. As will I, and the boy and girl, who are now big people! But they STILL LOVE YOU GUYS, even if they can no longer remember what a Pez lozenge even tastes like.

WHICH, OF COURSE, IS THE OTHER THING. I know how empty you all — each one of you — have been for decades. How painful life has been to be a PEZ-less PEZ dispenser. My heart goes out to you. (Daffy, I hope your therapy is going well after that breakdown a couple years ago. Respect to you in your recovery). And Hulk, Batman and Snowman — it is SO inspiring to see the three of you working the steps at the same time. I don’t have to tell each of you: One Day at a Time.

AND I HAVE TO SAY: Just look at the Daffy Twins and Spidey brothers as you move forward. Remember how they used to steal your PEZ when you were low?! That intervention WORKED. (Well, Santa’s family therapy degree certainly helped A LOT, I think we can ALL agree.)

AND JUST REMEMBER: each one of you needs to look out for Boba Fett on his difficult transition out of the joint and into his new life after work release. Each of you has his probation officer’s number — don’t be afraid to call. And Boba! You are defined by who you are NOW — NOT by what you did then! Remember that.

BUT HERE’S THE REALLY, REALLY COOL NEWS! If anyone can find PEZ candy — not an easy task these days! — it will be Rudy. Think about it! To be a functional PEZ dispenser again! I know, how much you have talked about this, Bunny: finding your ‘Inner Pez,’ as you often say. And all the yoga and workshops you attend to heal that wound. All I can say is this: Rudy is The Man! If anyone can help you fulfill the mission of your lives, it will be Rudy. Can you say P-E-Z?

PEZ!!!

SO, THAT’S IT GUYS. I just want to say it again: From the bottom of our hearts, thank you from me and the Family for your service.

I love you guys.

Be well,
Douglas

PS: Tweety Bird and Bumble Bee! Apologies. I was moving too fast in writing this before the trip tomorrow. I could never forget you guys! Stinger, know what we all say: ‘BUMBLE will BEE!

Still true as ever, my man! 

And Tweety—gosh, what can I say. You were among the first PEZ dispensers to join the family, if not THE first. (I STILL think you should lose the ballcap and be the yellow-headed Tweety we all know and love, but we won’t re-hash old ground).

Just know this T.B.: You are the Bird. 

Tweet on, brother …